The Art of Turning Toward

Very early in life, the bond formed between parent and child establishes the foundation of how we perceive the world. If we don't have strong emotional ties to our parents, we struggle to create these emotional ties with other people (Bowlby, 1988). We long so much for this emotional connection that when we confide in another, and they respond poorly, we learn that it's unsafe to open up. If this happens repeatedly, we may even learn to ignore our feelings altogether. Having worked with couples and families for several years now, I see how uncomfortable most are sharing how they feel with others.

Everyone has an automatic response to emotional vulnerability. We shut down, withdraw, and sometimes we lash out. We stop reaching out when we need something, and we often don’t even know how to label what we feel, let alone share it with someone else. Instead, we build emotional walls to shut out the potential for pain. In the words of Sue Johnson (2020), we aren’t emotionally balanced, and therefore we struggle to have resiliency when faced with challenges. Johnson is the founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy and continues to work with couples and families helping them discover emotional connection through her work.

This work is important because when we can't talk about how we feel, we find other ways to cope. We turn to food, television, or maybe even alcohol or drugs. We do everything but find refuge in the comfort of another person. However, many of us can identify at least one person we feel we can open up to emotionally. The depth of that sharing may vary person-to-person, but the overall vulnerability of what is shared is significant. These are the people that not only know us well but understand us. The hard part is that when we begin to feel comfortable with these people, the more vulnerable we feel, and the more likely we are to find ourselves responding in unhealthy ways when we don't receive the empathy we desire. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve unintentionally hurt my husband because of something I did or didn't do. This is human nature, and marriage is the perfect formula for either hurting or healing your spouse. When you are close with someone, you have more opportunities to either grow your connection with them or reinforce those emotional walls they've built. The sooner we accept that we will hurt each other, the better we become at learning how to talk about this hurt in a way that helps us heal.

For many merely talking about emotion is the hardest part. What if we don’t know how or every time we try we fight? Admitting that you're stuck is hard, but it's a necessary first step for change to occur. You may need to practice some vulnerability by asking for help first, and that's okay. Every single one of us has been there, including me. It may be time to reach out and ask for help from a counselor or someone who trust.

Regardless of where you are currently, I’m going to ask you to think about one thing you can do today that will start you on the path toward feeling safe in your relationships. Where do you get stuck when trying to share with another how you feel? Think of that one person you want to understand you. At what point does the attempt to have a vulnerable conversation fail? Is it that one of you walks away every time you go there? Do you leave feeling criticized or attacked? Maybe your efforts to communicate fail before you ever get started. Whatever the answer is, try to identify what happens when you try.

Secondly, identify how you feel when this happens. This step often gets ignored because many of us don't take the time to think about how we're feeling. Emotion serves a very important purpose. It helps us create meaning in our lives, and it helps us remember what is most important. It protects us and teaches us not only about who we are but where we’ve been. Most importantly, without emotion, we can't connect with other people. Take a couple of minutes to scan your body and see what you notice. Are you tenser than you realized? Are you still angry about what happened? Have you ever felt this way before? If so, when? After you identify how you feel, you can begin to think about why you feel this way.

We all want to feel understood and accepted, so when that understanding doesn't happen, it hurts. To prevent feeling the way you felt in the past when hurt by others, you have to notice this feeling first. Although I stated earlier that we are bound to hurt each other at times, we can take steps to grow in emotional safety by recognizing this. Discover that meaning for yourself of needing to feel understood, and think about what you want to do with it. Once you discover what happens when you try to be vulnerable and fail, you can decide whether or not you want to go back to that person and tell them how you feel.

Finally, if you want to grow your emotional connection, I encourage you go go back to that person, and share with them, but first be sure to ask if they're ready to reengage the conversation. It is crucial that you are both prepared to do this. By turning toward each other instead of away, you are creating a different pattern of emotional engagement. It isn’t helpful to turn toward someone who is turning away from you because they aren't ready to talk. That would only reinforce your pain, but be sure you’re both ready. You may have to try this multiple times before you find success. That’s normal, especially when talking about things that feel vulnerable.

Because this is a new skill set for most of us, you will probably fail at first. That's okay too. With every new skill, we have to practice. If it doesn't work the first time, go back and think about what went wrong again and repeat the steps of reflecting on how you feel. Once it’s clear you're both ready, you may take turns sharing what you want to share. This is a tricky “dance”, but it’s crucial you’re both willing and ready to learn the steps in order to be present with each other's emotion. “It’s hard to learn to tango if you’re listening to waltz music”, says Johnson (2020). Make sure you’re both tuned into what’s happening in the relationship and within yourselves, and then you can share with each other what you've noticed.

You are creating a new habit of vulnerability. Sometimes we feel close and other times we feel a bit distant with our loved ones. This is the natural rhythm of life. When we make turning toward each other a practice, we find that the hurt we felt doesn't hurt as much because our intentions to understand each other are clear. These intentions are to care for each other's emotion instead of dismissing or criticizing it. The better we become at doing this, the more we trust others and the safer we feel. The safer we feel, the more resilient we become. Let's create more resilient relationships.