Why "I'm Not Your Parent" Is a Lie
- tarynwellness
- Oct 6, 2023
- 5 min read
Reparenting for Couples
HEADS UP
This is a blog post for adults who want to heal through their relationship, not a post on parenting in the traditional sense. Those who choose to take these words to heart, must be willing to look inward and do so with intentionality and courage.
It puts a bad taste in my mouth to use the term reparenting when describing what occurs in a romantic relationship. No one wants to act as their partner's parent. This is why we find ourselves at times saying things like "I'm not your Mom" or "I'm not your Dad" to our partners. Most, if not all, of the couples I meet with desire equality, not an authoritative power dynamic, and honestly, we need equality in our relationships. That's why we have to start by putting reparenting into context.
When psychotherapists use the word, they are often referring to the parental role they play in the relationship they have with their client. They serve as a stand-in parent figure to demonstrate the characteristics lacked by the client's actual parent. This is one way therapy can be incredibly effective. The therapist works to provide a therapeutic relationship demonstrating traits like trustworthiness, reliability, and safety. It's then through this relationship that clients begin to heal from emotional wounds, or attachment injuries. However, when I use the word reparenting here, I'm referring to how one's partner acts as this stand-in parent figure, not as a therapist, but as a lover and friend.
Parents, even good ones, screw up. Therefore, everyone has some emotional wound and unmet need. When two people get together, they are tasked with discovering what those wounds and unmet needs are. This is the most common reason couples come to therapy. They tell me in one way or another that their needs are not being met by their partner. This is, of course, an oversimplification, but one I think holds true for the majority of couples. Since it's an overwhelmingly emotional experience to not have these needs met, couples tend to find creative strategies for attempting to meet their own needs. Not only that, but they most often form a negative narrative either about themselves or their partner to explain why these needs aren't being met in the first place. All of that being said, the strategies used, narratives thought or spoken and the emotional experience of couples can be incredibly complicated and even painful.
In case you're wondering about some the negative narratives I hear most often from clients, here are examples of a few:
"I'm not a priority to you."
"You don't care about me or how I feel."
"I can't count on you."
"I am invisible to you."
"I feel abandoned."
"You never open up to me."
"I don't know the real you."
"It's like you have a wall up."
"I never get it right with you."
"I feel inadequate or like a failure."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel."
"I don't know what to do with your anger."
"What's the point in trying if nothing changes?"
If not right now, chances are at least one of these statements has felt true for you at some point in life. Remember that I said these words require intentionality and courage. These words are tied to powerful emotional experiences when they feel true, and not only that, they often feel true when people fail us.
Something also to consider is that I have never worked with a couple where one partner's needs were met and the other's were not. This seems like a really important consideration. If you realize you have an unmet need in your relationship, your partner likely does as well. It's just the case that more often than not, one of you is more likely to express their needs than the other. Does that mean the silent partner's needs are being met? Probably not. You may just not know it.
There is so much more I could say about a couples' strategies to share a need or not to share, but for right now, I will leave that for another post. For the purpose of right now, I'm asking you to consider how reparenting occurs every day in some way in your relationship. If you're in a committed relationship, I believe there is no question this is occurring. The real question is, is the relationship reinforcing a narrative you previously held or changing that narrative? Do you believe you can have your needs met by your partner? Are you constantly doing and saying the same things? When you attempt to share what you need, do they react similarly to those in your past? Lastly, and maybe most importantly, are your partner's actions possibly pointing to their unmet need, not just your own? Is it possible they could be using their own strategy to fulfill that need?
Not only is reparenting occurring without most of us realizing it, it is necessary. Reparenting IS the way we heal. When we create new patterns of connection, we begin to unlearn the negative narratives we believed were true, and we start behaving differently. Instead of pushing my partner away, I begin to embrace their desire for connection when they reach out. Instead of lashing out, I find better ways to communicate what I need. Slowly and steadily over time, I change. My wounds heal, and I believe that I am safe in the arms of my partner, that they will be there for me no matter what. This is likely why Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, titled her book Hold Me Tight. That really is all any of us could hope for, to be held tightly by the one we love.
To end, I will leave you with a powerful quote from Sue. She sums it up all too well when she says, "We must recognize that we are more than ‘homo sapiens’. We are ‘homo vinculum’ -the one who bonds with others. And these bonds are what will save us. They always have."
If you want to do something right now that may make a difference in your relationship, try asking yourself the following questions:
What is the negative narrative you have formed? How do you know it's true?
What do you feel when you consider that narrative? Anger, frustration? Go deeper. What else could you be feeling besides the emotion you tend to express the most? Sadness? Fear? Loneliness?
Can you feel your body? What is it telling you? Check in with your heart and gut. What do you notice?
What are you needing in this moment that you're not receiving from your partner? I don't mean the request you've made a thousand times that isn't being honored. What are you really needing? Stability? Belonging? To be able to depend on your partner and their word? Trust? To have them trust you?
Your partner is the other half of the relationship. Is it possible they also have a need that isn't being met? How might your actions either be helping them heal or reinforcing that unmet need? If you aren't sure, be brave enough to ask them.
Please note that most often the above are difficult to do without the help of a trained EFT therapist. If you are interested in locating an EFT therapist in your area, you can use the directory link below.
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