Stop Calling It Codependence

Have you ever been described as being codependent? If you haven't, you're likely thankful that's the case, and if you have, you may have a sick feeling in your stomach reading this. As a couple's therapist, it's a word I hear my clients use often. I hear the word most often used in an emotional context, "My partner needs too much from me" or "Why am I responsible for their emotional health?" My main concern when I hear these statements, is that the misunderstanding around codependence may breed more disconnection in their relationship.

The original definition describes someone who is excessively reliant on their partner because of an illness or addiction. Couples demonstrate clear codependent behavior when this is the case. Some other mental health professionals may disagree with me, but I want to debunk the lie that you or your partner are codependent when they need "too much" emotionally.

If you're living in the United States, which most, if not all of my readers likely are, than you are being bombarded with messages encouraging independence. I don't think it's a problem to be independent. I'm a parent, and I want to raise my son to be able to function as a successful adult in society. However, there remains a fantasy around independence that in my experience leads to loneliness. This fantasy fuels the misguided advice that we should not need anything from anyone, especially if we can provide for ourselves.

The most important point I can make here is that we cannot provide ourselves with the same depth of emotional connection we get when we are able to lean on our loved ones. The lie that codependence is needing too much emotionally only creates more suffering for ourselves if what we really desire is connection. We may actually be avoiding genuine connection when we distance ourselves. Therefore, I take the word codependence when I hear it, and I counter with another word, interdependence.

I believe that true interdependence is when two people come together in an intimate way to meet each other's needs. These people are living side-by-side and are also choosing connection with each other by acknowledging what they need from one another.

Many people who describe their partner as codependent are the very people who desire to be able to depend on their partner but have learned that they can't. They are tired of feeling disappointed, so they learn to avoid sharing their needs. It's easy to avoid sharing because it's painful.

Not only have I noticed that these people are avoidant, but I've also found that those same people pair up with people who are anxiously seeking connection. Therefore, an avoider pulls away more when they are anxiously pursued because their partner often pursues them angrily.

Here's an example of someone who may be avoiding. Someone who has struggled to believe that they are good enough for those around them may work to be the very best at everything they do in order to disprove this very belief. However, no matter how hard they work, it's never enough. They continue to feel like they're failing. Rather than turning toward their partner to share how this feels, they focus on their work and what they can do to "fix" things in their relationship.

An anxious pursuer then senses their partners distance and begins to believe they don't care. Their own insecurities become activated, and they push for what they need from their partner. They complain and express their anger more than anything, which causes their partner to pull away more.

The thing about interdependence is that when people are able to meet their partner's needs, they often simultaneously have their needs met. The person who believes they aren't good enough for their partner is often with someone who desperately needs to know their partner cares and that they are worth loving. When we trust someone with our most painful thoughts and emotions, we risk healing from what hurts the most.

We shouldn't act surprised when we learn the only way to form a secure relationship, one in which interdependence is the goal, is in the context of relationship. It is then that we find relief from what pains us. For those who are not in a romantic relationship, like I'm describing here, than this can still be achieved. We can do this work in our friendships, and we can heal in the context of our relationship with self, more specifically the part of yourself that is suffering. This is the original definition of "reparenting", to meet the needs of the "little one" inside of yourself.

When we are in a relationship that is interdependent, we can own the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves and turn to another for relief. We can learn to discredit the negative when the loving actions of another demonstrate that we are enough for them. Eventually we begin to believe it ourselves more and more and the negative belief shows up less. Even if the belief never goes away entirely, we have learned the very process we need to feel safe.

So, please stop using negative words like codependent to describe the natural desire for connection. We are modeling an emotional intelligence to the next generation that will lead to healthier relationships and more resiliency. Part of that process is acknowledging that we need each other. Yes, our emotions are our own, AND they matter enough to be shared with those we trust.

If you're interested in learning how to enact interdependence in your relationship, try first by identifying your specific attachment style. There are four known attachment styles, two of which I described here. I love helping my clients identify how their attachment affects their relationships and would love to guide you in that process. I've also included some resources below.

Book Counseling

Resources:

-New Rules of Attachment by Dr. Joy Ho

-The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships by Annie Chen, LMFT